Definin’ Stuff With Todd Carmichael

Todd Carmichael is the funniest man in American comedy, and he’s back again with more crack specialty coffee coverage over at the ol’ Esquire “Feed Bag Fer Dudes Who Like Chicks” blog. This time around, the Toddster poops on everyone making specialty coffee from Portland to uh, Brooklyn, and we’re presuming all points in between, with his outrageous, hilarious, unintentionally ironic take on “New Coffee Words You Should Learn In 2011”. Let’s check his work, shall we?

Cupping (n) — The act of slurping, then spitting, tepid, under-roasted coffee of (and typically at) origin with the aim of grading the bean against predetermined standards. Not to be confused with tasting and/or enjoying.

375 cents (n) — An insane amount to pay for any single cup of coffee, unless of course one is at the foot of the Spanish Steps and in the company of a potential sexual partner above one’s standing. If in Brooklyn, however, see also: Nigeria scam; bridge for sale.

Slow-brew (n) – The act of brewing coffee (hipster-style) by employing 1940s American and Japanese technology — Maleta funnel and filter, the kung-foo siphon and beaker/bong paraphernalia.

Whoa! Todd, you are totally the first person to compare siphons to bongs! Howdjoo come up with that one? And what the heck is a Maleta filter? Is that some sort of new brew method involving Mexican suitcases? Maybe he picked that one up in Chile on his way out to Antarctica. Big ups to your editors, Todd, and if you don’t mind, we’re gonna go ahead and add one more definition to your must-read list for 2011:

Numbnuts (n) – an ill-informed, condescending person who speaks from a false position of authority. The condition of being a “numbnuts” is amplified by mainstream media bully pulpits and lucrative publication fees. See also: jackaninny, bloviate, crumb bum, doofus, dorkus malorkus, piece of work, schmuck, Todd Carmichael.

Read it all over at the Esquire Magazine “Y Chromosome Second Helping Rodeo”. Keep ’em comin, Todd!

  1. Sara Ball

    31 January

    Todd’s kinda cute!

  2. Tim

    29 January

    Wait, I’ve seen this one, and Daddy Warbucks turns into a good guy in the end.

    Wow. I mean, where does he find the time?
    You have to respect his ability to schedule pissing so many people off with his inane taunting. Ambitious.

  3. Frank

    27 January

    I don’t think Todd drinks coffee, he drinks HATERADE.

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