Can you feel it? A gust of solar wind skips across the rings of Saturn; a vapor flares off the desert floor of some distant, desolate moon. The Universe has power over us all, in life, love, and of course, coffee. The celestial symphony sings to you today in the latest installment of our Coffee Horoscopes. Settle in with a cup of cosmos and open your heart to the drip…drip…drip of knowledge and truth from the great beyond.
Gemini – May 22 – June 21
Social, hard to predict, sometimes Gemini can be guilty of asking the universe for an unreachable request, like a whole milk latte without the fat. But this month—the month of your celestial creation—I predict your unique set of skills and outlook on life will be greeted and embraced by the world around you. Are you up for a promotion, or looking for a new job? Schedule that interview or audition. With Jupiter and the Sun in harmony, I see bonuses, success, and a kind of cosmic deliciousness coming your way that not even the heavens can predict. What I’m saying is, for the coming month, those cappuccino calories won’t count.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Mercury, Mars, Pluto, and Jupiter are all out of phase for you this month, Cancer. Does that sound familiar? Like the plans circling above you, we see that the most important satellites in your orbit are currently undergoing a time of strife. Perhaps it’s a close family member, a best friend, or even your most intimately cherished partner. Whoever they may be, their need for centering and comfort has never been greater, and the time is now for you to care for them, Cancer. Put your future on hold, align your needs with theirs, and talk out the troubles over a delicious cup of coffee, brewed lovingly and by hand. Do this, Cancer, and know that the cosmos will return the favor sevenfold in the months to come.
Leo (July 23 -August 21)
Your tenth house is full of happy celestial bodies this month, Leo, with Venus, Mercury, the Sun, and the new moon all getting in on the party. That means it’s time to cut loose, let your lion mane down for a bit, and celebrate the good feelings that are swirling all around you. Your life this month is like some gossamer evening of untold possibility; you feel awake and full of life, as though you’ve just had a nice cup of coffee at 5pm. Go forth, Leo, because this is your time to bask in the sun, fall in love beneath the Venusian glow, and save a secret for the moon.
Virgo (August 22 – September 23)
Playful, cheerful, charming Virgo, the coffee world looks to you for delicious energy. The Sun and Jupiter are currently helping you get ahead in all areas governed by the ninth house, the house of intellect, which means this might be a great time to debut that new brew method you’ve been trying out. Or maybe you just want everyone to be happy, like an affable batch brew. Just don’t do so at your own detriment. Share coffee with people you love, but from time to time, brew up a cup for yourself to enjoy, or drink a solo cappuccino in the morning sun.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Careful now, Libra. It’s fine to count your blessings, just be sure to knock on wood as you do so. Success, contentment, inner peace, drive, attenuation, harmonious relationships—all of these are possible this month for the Libra, but all of them are balanced precariously, and the ever-moving scales of your sign threaten discord at a moment’s whim. Jupiter is the planet of good fortune, and the sun is in Taurus, making for balance with all of those around you. But the universe shifts on a subtle whim…be blessed, be present, and own your inner balancing act, Libra. For like a perfectly grown, picked, shipped, roasted, ground, pulled, and served shot of espresso, the endless precarious variables that surround us must work in harmony to achieve bliss.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
In a certain kind of celestial parlance, a “contactee” is someone who has experienced visitation from a visitor not of our world. For our purposes this month we don’t mean little green men, Scorpio, but we do see you as cosmically ripe to become a different sort of contactee in the coming weeks. The new moon drives your fifth house to start the month, before waxing towards the seventh house, the one that drives new experiences and deep connections. Will you fall in love with somebody new, Scorpio? Who can say. Perhaps it’ll be a more immediate sort of contact, like a coffee jumping off the cupping table with riotous notes, or a shot of espresso that makes stop, reflect, and wonder on the many forms love can take.
For the admirers of Scorpio out there reading this, take heed: shit gets deep this month. Be ready to ride the flavor wave.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Mars has been hanging out in Sagittarius all throughout this spring, and for the ever-optimistic Sagittarius, this could be a time of great progress. But it’s also a time for the universe to focus on you, and that’s happening in several ways. Cosmically speaking, you’re the hottest new cafe in town, and everyone is buzzing about you in admiration. But emotionally speaking, perhaps you’re more like cold brew: a source of both love and scorn, a lightning rod for all sorts of conversation, and maybe, just maybe, a new leader for a thirsty people.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)
The picture is hazy for you this month, Capricorn, because the cosmos foretell a great many new experiences coming your way. That makes it tough to get a read on where you’ll land when it comes through, but perhaps that’s the fun of it. In the short term, stick to what you know: if you’re a batch brew drinker, keep ordering that; if you’ve got an AeroPress recipe dialed in, don’t futz with it. Surprises are in store but they’re entirely out of your hands, Cap. Go with it and be receptive to the adventure.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Mercury looms large for you this month, Aquarius, and with it the promise of big news on the horizon. Have you been waiting to hear about a certain cafe promotion? Is there a particular coffee you’re hoping to snag off the green market? Maybe you’re up for an award, or waiting on an exciting new hire to say yes. Whatever it is, Mars is coming, and it’s no time to plug your ears. Stay woke, Aquarius, with a cup of coffee in hand, because our time is right now, here in the morning of our lives.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
You’re overseeing a full house of celestial influences this month, Pisces, with Venus, Mercury, the Sun, and then new moon all vying for your attention. The end result? You may be veering away from the traditional and experiencing new and exciting forms of beverage consumption. This is a sweet period for you, Pisces, a time of pellet ice and two-pump syrup, or heck, even an almond milk mocha. A new and exciting universe dwells within you, Pisces. And for your coffee future? We see a frappuccino.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Money. Cash. Broccoli. Cheddar. Bank. Cheese. Bills. Your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind this month, Aries, even though your modest nature feels a bit embarrassed by it all. That’s because your second house of earned income is being driven by the sun, the new moon, Mercury, and Venus, which makes this month arguably the most important financial block of your entire year.
We can’t tell you what that means in practical terms, except to say, if you can pay down that credit card this month, do it now. If making coffee at home this month makes a difference in your pocketbook, make that choice. And if the opposite is true—if you’re stacking fat cash and rolling in the deep—well, your favorite coffee bar is open now, Aries, and a nice anonymous deposit in the tip jar could go a long way towards a gust of karmic kindness from the cosmos.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Taurus, your first house is overflowing in celestial bodies right now—thy cupping table runneth over with emotions, desires, and determination. The new moon is in harmony with Jupiter, and that can mean big fun for your closest relationships, as well as a catalyst for you to socialize with the world and make new friends. You’ve got a lot to offer right now, Taurus, but you must decide how your emotional and celestial fresh crop will be brewed.
Original Zodiac coffee sign art by Murphy Maxwell (@murphymaxwell) for Sprudge.com. Some rights reserved, but not all rights, because man is not meant to reserve all rights.