Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Hey, That’s Snot What I Ordered!


Like an outtake from “Super Troopers” gone horribly wrong, here’s the real life story of Christopher Hildreth, former “barista” at a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise in Jaffrey, New Hampshire. Mr. Hildreth is accused of depositing “nasal mucus” into the coffee of two uniformed police officers: According to a Jaffrey Police Department affidavit acquired by The Smoking […]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: “Devious” Antavious And The Caribou Bugaboo


When Julia Greenhill decided to visit her local Caribou Coffee outlet in Atlanta, Georgia, how could she possibly have known that her life would be changed forever? Little did she know that her choice of coffee shop would put her face to face with Antavious “Devious” Monds, 19, an Atlanta-area n’er-do-well and man of a […]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: Former Barista Requests Job Reference, Cash In The Pastry Bag Right Now


What’s worse than robbing a coffee shop? Robbing a coffee shop you used to work in! Meet Vivian Hutchinson, formerly of The Village Coffee on Freret Street in beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana. Her schmucky story comes to us from the Uptown Messenger: The Village Coffee on Freret Street was robbed at gunpoint by a former […]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Robbery, Then Robur-E

Nope, not making this up.

Meet Christopher Watson, whose epic ballad of thievery, schmuckery, and coffee commerce comes to us from Jackson, Mississippi: The first thing Christopher Watson bought after he allegedly robbed a Jackson bank was a cup of coffee. Congratulations, dear Watson, you’re the Schmuck Of The Week! Peruse the sordid details of our decaying modern society […]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: Charles Custer’s Last Stand


A tale of unbelievable schmuckery comes to us today from the shores of Tampa Bay. Congratulations, Charles Custer, you’re’s Coffee Schmuck of the Week! Robbing banks by scalding the teller with piping hot AM/PM re-brew? Tres schmuck. Read all about how Charles has achieved this prestigious title after the jump.

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: The Biggest Jerk In Eastern Washington

This Might Be Sweet Beans

From eastern side of Washington State, the South of the Northwest, we bring you this sad tale of incongruous disappointment, transient frustration, and car-bumper jumping. Ahh, the Tri-Cities… where Blue Collar America meets Frasier Crane (to give him a noogie). Jayson Carmickle, 26, was angry with the baristas at Sweet Beans, a Richland coffee shop, […]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Dance Music Schmucks Romance

This Is What It Sounds Like When Schmucks Cry

In our hearts, the Minneapolis neighborhood of Uptown is Prince’s candy-colored cornucopia Paisley Park of freedom, self-expression, and ice cool multi-ethnic omnisexual synth funk. It’s a place where you can “set your mind free”, and where the perogative, be you “black, white, or Puerto Rican” is to just have a “freakin’ good time already”. Uptown […]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: We’ve Heard of Naked Portafilters, But This Is Ridiculous


Schmuck of the Week is proud to introduce you to Brandon Lee Jackson. This 29-year-old piece of work came to our attention strutting around Eugene, Oregon naked as a jay bird, jabbering to himself and making obscene gestures, before eventually attempting to assault two teenage girls and their mother outside of a Dutch Bros. Coffee […]