Schmuck Of The Week: Boston Barista’s Brewing Booboo Begets Brutalization

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It's time for another entry in our long-running series, where we scour coffee news from around the world in order to bring you the latest edition of Schmuck Of The Week. This week's Schmuck comes to us courtesy of hot tipper Pete Cannon (@CoffeeWithCats), a member of the team at Boston's well-regarded Barismo coffee roastery. It … [Read more...]

Schmuck Of The Week: Did This Cancer Doc Poison Her Lover’s Coffee?

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The prognosis? Poison. This dastardly case of coffee n'er-do-wellery comes to us (in fine style) from The Daily Mail: Ana Maria Gonzalez-Angulo, a breast cancer oncologist at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, was charged last week with aggravated assault against Dr. George Blumenschein, a specialist in lung and head and neck … [Read more...]

SOTW: Maine Mad Man Makes Maine Men Mad


Raymond Bellavance Jr. will spend 30 years in prison for starting a midnight blaze in June 2009 that forced seven people -- including two infants -- from their home and eventually destroyed the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro. Hark, ye poets, hither yon, to speak in honeyed present tense, and mark the somber ballad song of Mr. Raymond … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Meth And Taxes


Meet Craig Benedict, a man accused of spiking a coffee pot with methamphetamine at a Billings, Montana tax prep center. This outlandish tale of schmuckery comes to us from, serving Great Falls and the rest of Northern Montana: Craig Benedict, accused of spiking a coffeepot with methamphetamine at a Billings tax prep business, pleaded … [Read more...]

Schmuck: Jerome Turner And The Somerville Bummer


This tale from our belle epoque du schmuck comes to us courtesy of author Audi Goha, writing on the Somerville page of Wicked Local: The cashier told police that Turner purchased a small hot coffee and a donut with a $50 bill. When she returned his change, Turner allegedly asked if he could use a smaller bill instead of the $50 bill, but the … [Read more...]

Schmuck Of The Week: Smucker’s Transparency


Your Schmuck of the Week is J.M. Smuckers, the new father of Folgers. According to this feature from Coffee Habitat, Mr. Smuckers presides over the most unsustainable canned coffee in America, available on the shelves of every last Safeway, Publix, Giant Eagle, or even the dreaded Piggly Wiggly. Since acquiring Folgers from Procter and … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Hey, That’s Snot What I Ordered!


Like an outtake from "Super Troopers" gone horribly wrong, here's the real life story of Christopher Hildreth, former "barista" at a Dunkin' Donuts franchise in Jaffrey, New Hampshire. Mr. Hildreth is accused of depositing "nasal mucus" into the coffee of two uniformed police officers: According to a Jaffrey Police Department affidavit acquired by … [Read more...]

Schmuck Of The Week: The Thin Line Between Camper And Stalker


An epic story of speeding, striking, stalking and schmucking from The South Oregon Mail Tribune: A serial coffee-stand stalker was arrested on various charges Saturday night after he led police on a brief car chase in northeast Medford and attempted to punch a Medford police officer. The chase began at 7:37 p.m. after David Jackson Hazlitt, 70, … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: “Devious” Antavious And The Caribou Bugaboo


When Julia Greenhill decided to visit her local Caribou Coffee outlet in Atlanta, Georgia, how could she possibly have known that her life would be changed forever? Little did she know that her choice of coffee shop would put her face to face with Antavious "Devious" Monds, 19, an Atlanta-area n'er-do-well and man of a thousand … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: Former Barista Requests Job Reference, Cash In The Pastry Bag Right Now


What's worse than robbing a coffee shop? Robbing a coffee shop you used to work in! Meet Vivian Hutchinson, formerly of The Village Coffee on Freret Street in beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana. Her schmucky story comes to us from the Uptown Messenger: The Village Coffee on Freret Street was robbed at gunpoint by a former employee this weekend, … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Robbery, Then Robur-E

Nope, not making this up.

Meet Christopher Watson, whose epic ballad of thievery, schmuckery, and coffee commerce comes to us from Jackson, Mississippi: The first thing Christopher Watson bought after he allegedly robbed a Jackson bank was a cup of coffee. Congratulations, dear Watson, you're the Schmuck Of The Week! Peruse the sordid details of our decaying … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: Charles Custer’s Last Stand


A tale of unbelievable schmuckery comes to us today from the shores of Tampa Bay. Congratulations, Charles Custer, you're's Coffee Schmuck of the Week! Robbing banks by scalding the teller with piping hot AM/PM re-brew? Tres schmuck. Read all about how Charles has achieved this prestigious title after the jump. … [Read more...]

Schmuck Of The Week: Brute Brandishes Brew At Baltimore Banks


Police are seeking an unidentified schmuck in the Baltimore area, in a coffee-assault story that reads like a sub-subplot from The Wire: Police are trying to identify a man who has robbed several businesses, including incidents in which he threw hot coffee in the faces of employees before taking money.  Police said the culprit threw coffee in … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck of the Week: The Biggest Jerk In Eastern Washington

This Might Be Sweet Beans

From eastern side of Washington State, the South of the Northwest, we bring you this sad tale of incongruous disappointment, transient frustration, and car-bumper jumping. Ahh, the Tri-Cities... where Blue Collar America meets Frasier Crane (to give him a noogie). Jayson Carmickle, 26, was angry with the baristas at Sweet Beans, a Richland coffee … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: Dance Music Schmucks Romance

This Is What It Sounds Like When Schmucks Cry

In our hearts, the Minneapolis neighborhood of Uptown is Prince's candy-colored cornucopia Paisley Park of freedom, self-expression, and ice cool multi-ethnic omnisexual synth funk. It's a place where you can "set your mind free", and where the perogative, be you "black, white, or Puerto Rican" is to just have a "freakin' good time already". Uptown … [Read more...]

Coffee Schmuck Of The Week: We’ve Heard of Naked Portafilters, But This Is Ridiculous


Schmuck of the Week is proud to introduce you to Brandon Lee Jackson. This 29-year-old piece of work came to our attention strutting around Eugene, Oregon naked as a jay bird, jabbering to himself and making obscene gestures, before eventually attempting to assault two teenage girls and their mother outside of a Dutch Bros. Coffee stand. From … [Read more...]