Here’s your August installment of our famous Asprological Sprudgoscopes!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a diverse bunch, Aries. Your famous brethren include such disparate figures as Pat Robertson, Akira Kurosawa, Leonard Nimoy and Aretha Franklin. Suffice it to say, in the coming month you’ll blame a natural disaster on Roe v. Wade, be recognized as the greatest Japanese film director of all time, live long and prosper and demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T. What do you have in common with all these people? Well…not a lot. But I’m willing to bet you’d be able handle them in a latte art throw down.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Momentous events lead us all down the garden path of memory lane, but the urge to reminisce will be especially keen for Taurus in the coming weeks. What’s the best shot you’ve ever had? The worst? Remember the first time you walked into your favorite cafe? Or when drinking coffee meant an escape from your parents, a chance to goof off, flirt, and get into trouble? Genuflect and enjoy!
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
For this month, Gemini, you might feel a bit on your own. This is, of course, the inverse of harmony for the buddy-buddy Gemini, whose preference is to be paired, twinned, and never lonely. But I implore you not to think of the coming weeks as glass half empty. Instead, imagine a single shot in the bottom of a gibralter: a bit out of place, yes, but still with every chance to be exquisite.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sometimes you need to visit the same gelato place 3 times in 24 hours. We understand the joy in repetition, Cancer, and we’re not here to judge. Just a gentle suggestion…instead of two scoops, why not get just one and throw a shot on top of it? Think of all the amazing affogotto possibilities! Espresso and pistachio, espresso and marscapone, espresso and nutella…listen, call me when you’re going back there again, we should really make this a regular thing!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Happy birthday, Leo! You’ve pulled shots til your shoulder was sore, you’ve called the cops on that crazy lady who locked herself in the bathroom, and now you need a break. I see a lovely vacation in your future, including camping under the stars, delicious dinners in quaint reclaimed farmhouses, and gifts that come straight from the heart. Have a beautiful birthday month, you lovable lion.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Data unavailable for Virgo. Buy a new grinder and make more pour-overs at home. Everything will be fine.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Funny thing about dreams coming true: achievement brings even greater pressure. This year has been a phase of riotous growth for the Libra, and now is the right time for you to have your own little personal Thanksgiving. Nothing is permanent, and when you’re happy that fact is terrifying, but this same knowledge has uplifted you in times of need. It’s a balancing act, Libra, that’s just who you are. Give thanks, reflect, and fortify your timing standards.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I’m gonna lay off you this month, Scorpio. You mean well. So what if you can’t quite dial in your shots? Who am I to judge? It’s the machine’s fault, or the espresso is old, or the milk has curdled, or who really wants an Americano at night anyway? Am I right? Everyone else is a jerk, Scorpio, but not you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Collaborator, lover, mope, purveyor of god shots, muse, ideas man, awash on stormy seas yet anchored to a heart that bobs and dunks with the surf; this month’s Sagittarius horoscope is for two sides of the same cherished coin, two very dear friends. You wear many hats, my Sagittarius companions, and you wear them well. Play the bass guitar; lead cuppings with aplomb. Build walls of synths; arrange the furniture of your new home to evoke peace and comfort. Stomp on your floorboards, walk the peaks and valleys of your city, pull shots, throw housewarming parties, watch films, slaughter chickens, drink cocktails, and revel in all that is new, never forgetting that you are needed, respected, admired and loved.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Continuing with our Sprudgoscope trends, I humbly offer yet another haiku for Capricorn:
Brew fresh with the dawn / a mystical journey blooms / you from seed to cup
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You’re the only sign to have a truly classic pop song authored in your honor, Aquarius, but that doesn’t mean your age has dawned quite yet. You need a least another week off your roast date; you need to let your cup cool, so that your flavors can open up and reveal themselves in all their fruity, floral glory. In other words? Chill.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I once knew a bright spark of a Pisces, who burned out the flame of her youth in far too fast a fashion. She moved to a northern land where no good coffee was available, and thus became sluggish and lethargic. It’s not too late to save yourself from a similar fate, Pisces; stay close to the true brew, be near the sound ground, and do not forsake the immutable pleasures offered only by the cleanest of beans.