A Brewer Darkly: Horrific Glimpse Into The Coffeeless Future

One vision of our horrible future…

2011: At the SCAA Symposium, industry experts warn about the coming of “peak coffee” pricing.

2012: Industry experts again warn of rising arabica prices and the “up the mountain” altitude phenomenon.

2015: K-Cup prices drive the coffee market into wild fluctuations, with convenience hailed over portion price.

2020: Spurred on by a series of WBC victories, the nations of Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador, Colombia, and Brazil begin controlling the market for specialty coffee cafe experiences. Denizens from the global North forced to travel south to be seen in trendy cafes.

2027: Cyborg revolt. Military conscription mandatory for Federated North AmeriCanadians aged 18-30, gutting the supply of available baristas.

2030: Cyborgs defeated – for now.

2031: Downtown Los Angeles swallowed up in Great Earthquake of 2031, crippling that city’s supply of baristas, most of whom had been living in Ace Hotel worker housing pods.

2033: Apartment prices in Radioactive New Brooklyn reach critical mass, signaling the death of NYC coffee culture.

2035: Spurred on by the fall of the Euro, the end of the European Union, and the cancellation of the Eurovision song contest, consumption-side global economics are in tatters. Coffee reaches $60 a cup.

2037: Jordan and Zachary decide to send their respective offspring to college, at the cost of $69,000 Global SuperDollar Credits per academic quarter.

2038: Perhaps influenced by a rampant campus-wide bath salts fad, their offspring decide to major in “film studies”.

[From producer Keith Becker, filmed on location around the University of Oregon campus in Eugene, Oregon.]