You know the routine: family and friends mean well, but sometimes their coffee-related gift giving leaves much to be desired to your evolved, erudite Specialty Coffee palate. This means you might very well have an extra Mr. Coffee sitting around gathering dust in your cupbards. But no more! Follow these simple recipes from the folks at Gizmodo, Geekosystem, and Slashfood, and soon you too can enjoy the finest, saddest 5 course meal the 21st Century has to offer. Recipes and meditations on modern fallibility after the jump!
1. Appetizer: Steamed Broccoli
Fill a coffee filter with six broccoli florets. Load into the coffee maker. Run six cups of water through for tender but still crisp veggies.
Be sure to account for the extra fluid volume likely produced by a steady stream of your own tears.
2. Primi – Pesto Pasta With Chicken
Cook thin-cut chicken breasts on the heating element, cook the noodles in the carafe, then whip up a quick pesto in a coffee grinder. A coffee grinder is a solid hack to make the fresh basil pesto sauce — olive oil, pine nuts, salt, pepper, garlic and the aforementioned fresh basil.
Your Skerton will be hurtin’ after making that pesto, not to mention your dignity.
3. Segundi – Trout With Chive and Butter Sauce
Cuts of fish should be approximately 3/4 inches thick to ensure even cooking. Place fish in filter and run 10 cups of water through the coffeemaker. Flip, and run another 10 cups of water through machine.
Sounds positively divoon. Now for the chive and butter sauce:
Dice one small shallot into the coffee maker. Load two to four sprigs of fresh thyme into the filter basket without a filter, then run 1 cup of cream and 1 teaspoon of lemon juice through the coffee maker together. Season with salt and pepper, and allow the sauce to reduce over the hot plate for 15 to 20 minutes. Just before serving, add 1 tablespoon diced butter and swirl to melt.
Geekosystem notes that “your coffee maker will require heavy cleaning afterwards”. Similar cleaning instructions also apply to your conscience and sense of self-worth.
4. Accompanomati: Cous Cous in Broth
Dump in couscous in a 1:1 ratio with the liquid broth. I just eyeballed it, but be careful not to put in more couscous than liquid or it’ll end up crunchy. Put the couscous-filled carafe back on the burner and let it sit for about five minutes or until the liquid’s all absorbed.
Wait wait, don’t off yourself just yet! You’ve been saving room for…
5. Dolce: Chocolate Fondue a la Mr. Coffee
5 2.6 oz. dark chocolate candy bars, broken into small pieces
1 cup of whipping cream
2 bananas, sliced
1 apple, sliced
1 basket of strawberries, whole
Pour cream in glass decanter and heat for 15 minutes. Add broken candy bars to cream and heat for 10 minutes. Stir to create a smooth, rich sauce. Heat for an additional 5 minutes, then remove decanter from heat source. Spear fruit with forks and dip in chocolate sauce to coat. Serves three.
It may well serve three, but we all know this meal is being cooked for you, and you alone. Don’t hold back – you’ve already let yourself go.