8 Coffee Must-Haves For The Mayan Apocalypse

The terror visions only come at night. A dark apocalypse foretold by the elders, consecrated in our celestial destiny by beings from another realm. The dark star Nibiru approaches. The end is nigh.

Between staying up all night listening to Coast To Coast and clicking “refresh” on The Drudge Report every 20 minutes, we’ve become fixated on the Mayan Apocalypse prophecies. According to these and other experts, our society is scheduled to be wrecked asunder on December 21st, 2012 – the coming of the end times. The writing’s on the wall, y’all, but what if our infrastructure is destroyed WITHOUT the accompanying solar black hole Extinction Level Event? What if society crumbles, but mankind survives? Well, friends, you need to be doomsday prepped for any eventuality. Noah didn’t build his ark when it started flooding.

There are MANY survivalist websites out there that show you how to stock up your safe room/bug bunker for doomsday, but there’s very little information on what’s needed for your end-of-days coffee cabinet. Sprudge.com is here for you in your hour of need, to fill that gap and bring the peace of mind that only extreme preparation affords. Stock these items, know them well, and together we’ll fight back the night terrors.

Chug-a-lug.

7. Plenty of water.

This is Rule #1 in the hardcore survivalist manifesto, but it’s also just good policy for regular folks – keep your house stocked with plenty of water. But for the coffee survivalist, it’s important you stock it with the right water. Aim for water with a TDS reading of 120-130 ppm (mg/L), a pH level of 7.0, hardness level of 70-80 mg/L, and an alkalinity level of 50mg/L. “If brewing water chemistry differs too much from these standards,” Everything But Espresso author Scott Rao writes, “coffee quality may be compromised.” Treat your water well, and the not even the apocalypse can stop you from brewing good coffee. Shop for 5-gallon collapsible water containers

Bauhaus bug bunker.

6. Zassenhaus Guatemala Grinder

The new Zassenhaus hand grinder will look great in anyone’s bug bunker. It’s sturdy, rugged, beautiful, and requires absolutely zero electricity – which is good, because the grid will be the first thing that goes (along with humanity’s social mores and morays). Zassenaaus offers up a 25-year warranty, which means the nuclear fallout will have significantly dissipated before your parts require maintenance. Shop for Zassenhaus Guatemala grinders

Aeropress.

5. Aeropress

The Aeropress is a survivalist’s dream brewer – it’s relatively easy to use, doesn’t require 195-205 degree water to win an Aeropress championship, and is easy to pack up in case the safe zone is breached. Pair it with item #4 and you’ve got a reusable brew device that’ll provide you with quality coffee long after everyone you ever loved has died. This device can also be used for crafting tea and medicinal tinctures. Shop for Aeropresses

Gold plated.

4. DISK filter

The Able Brewing folks have released a special edition 18k gold plated DISK filter. It’s reusable, easy to clean, and retains a high barter value in a post-USD economy. With the right amount of thrust, it can also double as a self-defense weapon. We need to be ready for SHTF scenarios, and who knows. When society falls, folks are gonna look to all manner of false idols to worship. Maybe there’s a seat for you next to the throne? Maybe this time you will be the one in charge? Maybe this whole apocalypse thing ain’t so bad after all. Shop for DISK filters

For well-ventilated bug bunkers only.

3. SnowPeak Camp Stove

This is the perfect propane-fueled heater to boil your water. Do not use this camp stove if your bug bunker isn’t ventilated, because you will die like all the rest of those suckers outside. A coffee connoisseur’s shelter will have adequate blast valves with a large enough vent with an appropriate bio/chemical filtration system to allow propane use. Don’t risk it if you ain’t got it. The replaceable fuel canister has enough oomph to heat water up to 90 minutes, so stock up on fuel cells if you plan on bugging out longer than 72 hours. Shop for SnowPeak camp stoves

Kettlicious.

2. Takahiro Kettle $120

The gold standard in tapered spout water kettles, the Takahiro is a must have for the survivalist coffee gourmand’s shelter. The Takahiro also gets high marks for retaining a high bartering value in a post-apocalyptic heritage hipster economy. Consider this kettle your new trust fund, and be willing to defend that sense of security. Shop for Takahiro kettles

 

For coffee, jewelry, organs.

1. Triple Beam Balance Scale

While digital scales and their batteries are compact, space is everything in a shelter. Why waste storage space for batteries when you can use a perfectly good battery-free triple beam balance scale? Good for up to 600 grams, this beauty is a time-tested piece of equipment that can also double as a jewelry scale for weighing out gold fillings and scrap metal, or in the eventual case of human sacrifice, hearts and other valuable organs. The world will never be the same, but grams and ounces? You got that. Shop for triple beam balance scales