29 Year Old Coffee Virgin Will Become Next Judd Apatow Vehicle

Meet Tracy Swartz, who writes about Chicago Transit Authority matters over at redeye.com/homicides RedEye Chicago. She recently confessed that at 29, she was a coffee virgin. She’s turning thirty soon and put the call out to readers at Twitter followers to recommend places in Chicago to get her very first cup of coffee. After a day’s worth of Twitter conversation, she’s chosen Intelligentsia and will slurp her first cup today at noon, central time. From RedEye:

Coffee just hasn’t appealed to me because I think it will taste bitter—like one long Jager shot. I’ve never even had coffee-flavored ice cream.

My parents didn’t drink coffee when I was a kid, but one recent Thanksgiving I caught my brother and mother sipping on cups post-dessert. My brother said he picked up the habit in college to help him stay awake to study. In college, I relied on Coke to get me through the night and orange juice to jolt me in the morning.

I also managed to avoid coffee in all of my past relationships. When a boyfriend asked for a cup, I just pretended not to hear him. For the longest time, I thought “French press” was a type of dry cleaning service.

And somehow I never touched the stuff at work, even though my co-workers make daily trips to Starbucks. My order there is iced tea in the summer, hot chocolate in the winter, or, embarrassingly, nothing at all because the choices seem to need translation.

Now, the time has come. I plan to drink this grounds-breaking cup before Wednesday, the penultimate day of my 20s. That’s why I need your help, Chicago.

Are you listening, Judd Apatow?

UPDATE! Tuesday, Aug 14 – 4:36PM At 4:36PM Central Standard Time, Ms. Swartz had her first cup of coffee. We got in touch with Tracy via e-mail. “I tasted an Intelligentsia latte and a mocha this evening,” she told us, “My heart is still racing! But that’s the point, right???”

That’s a lot of question marks. Congratulations, Tracy!